Sunday night I sat down for one of my favorite times of the year – Award Show Season!  The Golden Globes were on and I was prepared, laptop in lap, to record and publish my thoughts to the world….the world being my Facebook friends.  Hey, gotta start somewhere.  I have done this before – write about my opinion on the Best and Worst dressed, as well as comments during the awards ceremony about presenters, winners, hosts, etc.  And I’ve had a lot of fun doing it.  People have commented in the past that they enjoyed the commentary – I’m sure just as many people looked at their Facebook feed in horror, I’m thinking of my good friend Jeff right now 🙂

At any rate, the positive response I received on Sunday really prompted me to start this blog.  At first, I was afraid that I wouldn’t have a focus for the blog – I mean, there are only so many award shows each year.  However, I soon discovered that people loved hearing what my Mom has to say.  I would say it’s like “Shit My ___ Says,” but I don’t want to get trapped in that stereotype…especially since people have grown sick of it recently.  So, I figure I can mix things up; a little quoting from Mom, a little celebrity style, and a lot of WTF moments.  But I digress – back to the show!

During the Red Carpet pre-show, Madonna showed up and started chatting with one of the interviewers.  Here’s the scene that played out at my house:

Me: Wow, look at Madonna, she looks good.
Mom: Who is that?
Me: Madonna.
Mom: No, that’s not Madonna.
Me: Yes it is. I know Madonna, and it even says MADONNA on the screen.
Mom: No, I saw Madonna a few days ago. That’s not what she looks like.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Mom: I saw Madonna before you were even born.
Me: Mom, she didn’t start her career until AFTER I was born.
Mom: Wait. No. Not Madonna. I’m talking about Dolly Parton.
Me: *!?@%$#!

Yes, that Dolly.  Let me put it side-by-side for you.

I mean, I guess they look alike –  you know, in the same way all Asians look alike to white people.  I’ll let that one slide.

By far, my favorite part of any awards is judging the dresses.  Red Carpet, how you steal my heart (and crush it, many many times).  This year started off poor; I mean, there were some serious offenders out there.

1.  Train Wrecks 

   

 Zoey’s green number reminds me of dance outfit I wore in 1992, for Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations” – it was wrong then, and it’s wrong now.  Piper P.’s dress is just plain ugly.  The sheer material around her breasts make it look like she has none.  And the color washes her out (more on nude dresses in a minute).  Meryl looks like she’s on the way to a rodeo.  I guess at this point she’s won so many awards she really doesn’t give a damn.

2.  Poor Fit

 

I love these women, but their dresses did nothing for them.  Natalie’s dress reminded me of Marilyn’s dress from “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” but it was too loose.  It made her look like a child.  I thought Tina’s dress was beautiful, but the cut made her look short and without a waist.  Emily’s dress, besides looking like she’s on Dynasty, was swimming on her – and I don’t care for the long sleeve/no sleeve look.

3.  Nude is NOT the New Black

     

Don’t get me wrong, I really like a couple of these (Julie and Charlize), but the problem is the color.  You have to be a certain complexion to wear nude, and you have to pick the right nude for your skin tone.  I feel like all of these dresses wash them out.  And perhaps they do look much better in person, but that majority of us are going to be looking at them from our TVs or PCs.  Fail.

3.  Let’s Get Married!

 

Bride, Mother of the Bride, and the Wedding Cake.  There, you’re all invited to the FUGLIEST wedding of the century.

5.  The Activist

I don’t hate it, but I don’t really care for it. I guess my biggest concern is that she looks like she has a giant AIDS ribbon on. Perhaps fitting, as she is basically the poster child for all causes. Always be an Activist.

There.  I got it all out.  Let’s move on to some great dresses.

I thought all of these gowns were excellent.  Even though Selma Hayek’s dress has 80s elements (metallic/geometric), it’s been modernized in just the right way.  Sofia V. seemed to be the favorite online; of course, she would look like a million bucks in a paper bag.  I loved the fact that Amber was able to find a sexy plus-size gown; something I know to be challenge.  Emma Stone ALWAYS looks good, I’m jealous of her style, it seems effortless.  On the flip side, Lea Michele looks like she put a lot of time into her look; I love this gown, even if it is a bit Vegas; it ages her, but perhaps that’s not a bad thing?  Finally, Ariel’s gown is unusually age-appropriate; it’s so fun, I would have worn something like that as a teenager. (LIE: I wore a black velvet spaghetti strap A-line dress with a WHITE MESH undershirt to my 9th Grade Homecoming Dance.  The horror.)

Finally, some random thoughts I had during the awards show itself:

• 8:50pm – Brad Pitt shouldn’t wear his hair long, unless he’s planning to make another Legends of the Fall.  Now THAT was some awesome hair.
• 9:03pm – From a distance, Michelle Williams’ dress looks like purple leopard print.  This is not a good thing.

• 9:20pm – OMG, can we just give a round of applause to Jonah Hill’s weight loss? Just saw footage from Moneyball…he looks so good now. I need to star in a movie with Brad Pitt. Instant motivation to work out.
• 9:28pm – George Clooney is funny, borrowing Brad’s walking stick. I wish he would do a throw back to his Roseanne hair…that shit was hot.
• 9:30pm – Why do women insist upon SQUISHING their breasts into gowns? I’m looking at you, Madonna. Also, the top of the dress is GREAT, the bottom, not so much.
• 9:35pm – Good lord, Jessica Alba. You look fantastic, it’s almost not fair. (and so tan and glittery looking, almost like a stripper).

Jessica’s Marchesa (love her dresses!) gown was actually my favorite of the night.  This could have looked like a bridesmaid/prom number on someone else, but she pulled it off flawlessly.

• 9:41pm – I’ve got myself a crush on Mr. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He is adorably handsome.
• 9:46pm – What would it take for Leo DiCap to get a chiseled face? I’m always suprised how he went from Titanic to this weird baby-fat face that never goes away, no matter how tan and greasy and hairy he gets.
• 9:50pm – The back of Claire Dane’s dress = 100 times better than the front.
• 9:53pm – The fact that Matt LeBlanc is almost completely grey, makes me feel OLD. Also, shout out to Liz Lemon and Sue Sylvester on their penis joke! High Five!
• 10:03pm – I love the way Evan Rachel Wood carries herself. It almost makes me forget that the Loch Ness Monster is attached to her. Kidding, sorta. I do like this dress!

• 10:12pm – I want to brush Reese’s hair and dye her roots. She’s really letting herself go as a newlywed 😉

• 10:17pm – Martin S. looks like the Old Man from Up! Crazy big eyebrows.
• 10:28pm – Come on, Marky Mark. Give me SOME enthusiasm. “andherearethenominees.” (WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE TOP OF BEAL’S DRESS??)
• 10:35pm – Oh Colin Firth, you are still hot. How old is he?
• 10:50pm – Why is there a dog on stage? I need to see The Artist, obviously.

Such a good time – those three hours went by like that!  As my friend Ashley reminded me, only 42 days until the Oscars!

Finally, this post’s title comes from a Season 2 episode of 30 Rock, “Believe in the Stars.”  In it, Tracy and Jenna are arguing over whether it’s harder to be a white woman or a black man in America.  Liz sets them straight –

Lemon: “No one has it harder in this country today than women. It turns out we can’t be President. We can’t be network news anchors. Madonna’s arms look crazy.”