While trolling around on People.com tonight, I came across the pictures from all the after parties! In particular the Vanity Fair and Elton John soirees. And there was some good stuff out there – let’s dig in!
Oh, Miley. I’m glad you don’t look strung-out anymore. But didn’t you have time to shop for your own gown, instead of raiding Dina’s closet? For one thing, it makes you look like a midget – cuts off half your legs. And while it seems like everyone is jumping on the vintage bandwagon, I’m afraid this 80s Dynasty look is not for you.
See this lady? Her name’s Joan. She’s what you’re after.
Nice try, though. (please continue to keep your clothes on)
OH, HEY GIRL!
Look, you already found a friend to join your fugly party! And I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s our very own Kelly O. She’s wearing some kind of old woman gown, looks like there’s barnacle growing on it.
More FUG friends!
Shaliene insists upon wearing non-flattering dresses, in ugly-as-sin prints. I do not get it. At all.
Alright, girls. Who’s gonna tell her? Who’s gonna tell Elizabeth Banks that she’s got A DISEASE for a dress?? I know you see it. You, Cheryl Hines – I can see it in your eyes. YOU tell her.
What do you think Lily Collins is more shocked about? The fact that she ran into Tom Cruise at the after party, or the fact that she’s basically nude in front of everyone? I mean, sure, she’s got that blue algae covering up some stuff. But still, kinda embarrassing. (stop making me speak ill of my favorite singer’s offspring; I’m already trying to contend with The Eyebrows.)
The reds won’t quit! And while I like the orange-undertones of Kate’s dress, the blue-undertones of Claire’s done go well with her skin. But that’s certainly not the biggest problem with her gown; the skirt is awful, as is the red lace overlay. My friend, Jen, has already educated us on red lace (it’s a DON’T). You can barely tell, but Kate’s got a nude overlay at her neck. Why? I don’t know why! It’s unnecessary and doesn’t look good.
Remember the 90s? With all its mixed-print fabrics and lace-overlays and just too many things going on at once?? These ladies are just knocking it out of the park tonight. I think that’s what’s going on. In an effort to go vintage, they’ve gone ugly. And I know where Elizabeth Olsen gets it from – those little twin fashionista sisters of hers. They’ve got to be behind that satin/pleather/sheer/pom-pom mess of a dress. And Gwen just needs to tone it down with the lace – it’s growing all over her, just like Kelly’s barnacles and Lily’s algae.
Girls. If I had known you were going to make it this easy for me, I would have skipped the Red Carpet 🙂
KISSING BOOTH:
So, so disturbing. Not sure which bothers me more – Bieb’s head digging into her bosom or the tongue action going on in #4.
Sometimes you need to stop at ONE after-party.
Tracy Jordan, to Liz:
“Let’s blow this joint! It’s about to turn back into a taxi dispatch set-up. You going to the after-after-after-after party?! Well, let’s rock!”
And you know what that means – RED CARPET MADNESS!
So let’s get this party started.
Sarah Hyland was in such a hurry to be one of the first on the Red Carpet, that she forgot to iron her dress…or attach that other sleeve.
I’m not sure why Kelly insists upon keeping this cotton candy hair – did she not receive enough attention as a child? Does she not have the money to color it? That, along with her PINK lipstick, makes her head look disjointed from this dress (which I actually enjoy).
The only people on the Red Carpet this early are the reporters commentators and actors who have no role in the Academy Awards. I like all these gowns; I think Nancy’s hair is a little poofy and I wish Maria’s gown was a more vibrant/richer shade. I love Milla’s whole look.
THE BRIDESMAIDS:
Ellie Kemper is bringing it in this copper gown. I love her hair and accessories, but I’m unsure about the the dress. It’s a bit loud and shiny. Hopefully it’ll look less flashy inside. I don’t know how old Wendi is, but she’s too old to be wearing this prom dress; I feel like I saw Taylor Swift in something similar to this recently. Melissa…oh Melissa. JUST NO. I love the cut and the jeweled neck and waistline, but I absolutely hate the color. What is that? Washed out rose or peach or gold? I can’t even tell. That dress should have either been black or jewel-toned, like emerald or ruby or sapphire. Rose B, love the hair, love the dress. Maya is MEH. Not overwhelmed by the dress (love the hair, though).
I don’t normally put guys on here, but…
Oh. My. God. What the hell happened to Nick Nolte? And his son/grandson(?) – I just don’t even know what to say. Kurt Cobain? Jesus? Homeless Man he picked up on the way there?
Yeah, you’re not 60 and you’re not 16. SWITCH DRESSES.
Hey, looks like they already awarded the Oscar to Clooney –
I don’t want to say it, but G’s looking a little old. And Stacy’s looking a little like his daughter. Not that it matters at all when it comes to Hollywood men.
THE HELPERS:
I wanna like Viola’s dress, if only to please Melissa 🙂 But I’m sorry, I can’t get behind this color. I love the dress, hate the color. I want something deeper, like a plum or sapphire (similar to Melissa M’s dress). (NOTE: The color looks much better on camera, I kinda like it there). LOVE Jessica’s dress, one of my favorites tonight. I think Octavia’s is beautiful too, really flattering cut. I also liked Emma’s dress – even though it’s almost identical to a Nicole Kidman Oscar dress from a few years back; it was also one of the few red dresses tonight that actually was the right hue against the actress’ skin.
Unlike Michelle’s red(?) dress –
I’m not even sure what this is – tangerine? Is it supposed to be red? Certainly nothing Marilyn would have worn. I love the retro look of the gown, delicate and soft, Michelle wears this look often.
And of course, close behind, her BFF Busy –
Busy has a talent for turning any outfit into a tacky wreck. Here’s the thing, I like each element of this outfit – the grey lace, the hot pink heels, the abalone earrings – but they look horrid together. I don’t know what this girl thinks when she’s getting ready.
THE SISTERS MARA:
Hey girl, your sleeve fell down.
Rooney, the pads go INSIDE the bra. How embarrassing…
LIZ LEMMMOOOONNN! As I told my (other judgmental) friend, Patrick, it looks like the post-baby fat is gone! I can’t tell from this photo, but the gown is Navy Blue – Tina is partial to that color.
I’ll end with the caped Gwyneth. I mean, why? Why the cape? It can’t possibly be that cold there.
The dress itself was nice. It looked good, it did. A solid gown. Classic….
BORING.
Yeah, yeah Melissa, I said it. It’s boring. It’s just so safe. I know it’s her style. She wears clean, classic cuts – and there’s nothing wrong with that! But it’s just not much to look at, for me anyway. I’d rather have a potential nip-slip from J-Lo any day of the week.
The last award Tracy Jordan needs to win to complete his EGOT (Emmy-Grammy-Oscar-Tony) goal is the Oscar. And he accomplishes it with his movie Hard to Watch: Based on the Novel “Stone Cold Bummer” by Manipulate. If you can’t tell (and if you can’t, we shouldn’t be friends), the title is a play on Precious. At first, Tracy is reluctant to take the role because he doesn’t relate; apparently, he blocked out everything horrible from his childhood….until later in the episode, when he breaks down in the stairwell of a Kinkos:
Tracy: It’s all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage — a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! And later…
Tracy: All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train! And still later…
Tracy: I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
Mom had surgery this morning – she had some fibroids on her ovaries that were causing her pain. Surgery went well. It’s after 8pm and I’ve been up since 3:30am…on purpose. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am, so of course we needed to get ready for two hours 🙂
I have to say, this hospital is awesome. It was built 3 years ago – it’s gorgeous, like a hotel. Has a piano in the lobby that plays on its own, very fancy. ( They even play Brahm’s lullaby every hour it seems – random times, not sure why. It comes over the loud speaker, kinda creepy actually. I feel like they’re sending us some subliminal message; just not sure what.) They triple check everything, they introduced us to EVERYONE who was going to be in her operating room, they check on every 15 minutes. It’s quite nice. All the rooms are singles and they have both a recliner and a chair that pulls out to a single bed.
This is the life.
Oh, except for the part where I have to take care of deal with my mother. When she’s not feeling well, she doubles in criticisms and complaining. It’s actually quite amazing. She’s eating drinking dinner right now and has this to say:
1. I didn’t know how to make her side table go up right away. “You no know how to do! You need to learn to be nurse! For when you have children.” CHECK.
2. The silverware was wrapped in plastic, with a dotted line along one side telling you to rip it open. I start to rip it, only to discover that the bottom is already open. So down go the fork and knife on the the floor. “E-Stupid! You let fall on the floor! It’s dirty! Why you do that?!” I tried enacting the “three second rule” and picked it up, but she wasn’t going for it 😉
3. She’s on clear liquids, so they gave her a spread of stuff – including tea. “Why they give me tea? They don’t read notes. I can’t have tea!” “Mom, we never told them you can’t have tea. It doesn’t say that anywhere. I didn’t even know you couldn’t have tea.” “I can’t have tea! Why did they give it to me?!”
4. The Ensure bottle spilled out of the straw. “Stupid! Why they fill so high?! How can I drink? ACK! Too sweet! Stupid.” Stupid Ensure.
So that’s going well. My dad is at home, in charge of Toby and the cats. I chatted with him earlier, and mom reminded me to tell him to feed the cats, lock the doors, close the garage, take Toby out…you know, like he’s five. 20 minutes later I hear mom start talking – she’s dialed dad on her cell. “Joe! Lock the doors, double lock them for yourself, feed the cats, close the garage door, take Toby out-” “Mom, we just told him all of that!” “I can tell him AGAIN!”
She then proceeded to tell him how they keep offering her drugs. Earlier, the nurse told her to ask for pain meds “if she needs them” My mother then tells her the story of how she was once drugged up in a hospital. I wonder what she’s referring to, until I hear her mention “the baby fell out of my arms.” Yeah, she’s talking about when my brother was born, almost 40 years ago. I tell the nurse this and she nods and winks at me, and tells my mom that she can take “a little bit” if she wants.
“Joe, why they keep trying to give me drugs?? I tell them I no want! I don’t want to be groggy, drugged up! — Kristina, talk to your father.”
UGH.
“Dad- no. No, dad, they are not forcing drugs on her. No. Yes, I know she doesn’t have to take them. Yes, dad. DAD. We just had this conversation with the nurse! Yes. Yes, this is exactly the same as her telling you to feed the cats after she WATCHED me tell you. Yes. NO. BYE DAD.”
Oh, she’s asleep!
I won’t even go into the story of me making the bed. I mean, SHEETS, people. SHEETS. She was criticizing how I laid the sheets down. And don’t even mention the blankets. I almost nose-dived to stop one from hitting the ground. Remember, ground = dirty.
I imagine that dealing with a parent in the hospital is stressful for most adult children. Well, most adult children that have “difficult” parents. Like Jack Donaghy, with his mother Colleen. Back in Season 3, he accidentally hit his mom with his car. ACCIDENTALLY.
Jack: I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car. Liz: What? Oh my God. Is she— Jack: She’s fine. She’s better than fine. They’re giving her a titanium hip, like the terminator. It’s only gonna make her more powerful.
Early Monday morning, at 3:30am, I woke up. I saw Toby laying on the ground in my room, and I reached over to set my alarm (I had forgotten to do it before I went to bed). As I was doing that, I heard some noises outside my window. Noises, like a person stepping in leaves and plants. OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. My window was half-open, with the blinds down; it had been cool that night, so I decided to leave the window open.
The noise was coming directly from outside the window, which was only a foot or so from my bed. I swear to you, it sounded like a person walking up beside my window. I sat up in bed and Toby growled. He never does this. He got up and trotted over to the front door.
The noise continued.
I got out of bed and turned on the hallway light.
The noise continued.
I went to the front door and turned on the porch light, and walked back to my room.
The noise stopped.
I was seriously freaked out. I woke my Dad up and told him what I heard. He went outside with Toby to check things out –> I felt a little guilty about this. My Dad isn’t the most hardy guy anymore; I basically sent him out there to be attacked. With my dog, no less. But I wasn’t going out there!
Of course, he didn’t see anyone. He turned on the flood lights in the front and back, but found nothing.
Then he told me to go back to sleep.
I DON’T THINK SO.
I understand that whoever/whatever it was, was no longer outside (I hoped). The lights, along with us, had scared them off. But, I don’t know, there’s something about thinking that an attacker is outside your window…it just wakes you up!
Dad stayed up in the living room for an hour or so, but I couldn’t go to sleep. Even though we had closed/locked all the windows, I just didn’t feel safe. I was panicked. I barely slept until I had to wake up at 6am.
In the morning, I went outside to take a look outside my window. I looked at the leaves and plants/bushes, but couldn’t really determine if anything looked off.
It wasn’t until about 3pm that afternoon that the exhaustion insanity kicked in. I started coming up with “solutions.”
1. Get a rifle. Yes, I need a weapon. I need something to scare the hell out of someone. They open that window and I’ve got a barrel pointed at their head. Like I told my boss, “I’m a democrat, but I will SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!”
2. Get a shotgun. My boss rightly pointed out that I should get a shotgun instead. Rifles just shoot one bullet at a time, while shotguns spray bullets…or something like that. Yes, shotgun it is.
3. Lay some dirt out below my windows. That way, if the creep does return, I have some proof that it’s a person (you know, if the plan to shoot him in the face doesn’t work out/I don’t wake up in time).
4. Fix the sensors on the flood lights. We have flood lights in the yard, but the stupid sensor doesn’t come on if you’re in front of my window. Helpful. Not.
5. Get a better (actual) guard dog. Toby is the worst guard dog in the world. He didn’t wake up until I did, and when he went outside all he did was pee. Worst. Ever.
One theory I have? There’s a neighbor, across the street to the left of us. He’s a Prison Guard – yes, I’m applying all the stereotypes to that statement. He’s quiet, keeps to himself – don’t talk to anyone, doesn’t have people over, always has the blinds closed. When the trio of hurricanes hit a few years ago, and a dozen trees fell in the neighborhood, one fell in his yard. My dad and some other guys were out there cutting it up with chainsaws – the guy didn’t even come outside to help or say thanks. Weird, right? Well, he has a in-law apartment out back. A few years ago he rented it out to a lady. She stayed for less than a week. While she was moving out, she ran into the neighbors next door and told, “you wouldn’t believe what he’s got in that house. You wouldn’t believe what he does in there. I’m not staying” AND SHE DIDN’T SAY WHAT IT WAS! Worse? THE NEIGHBORS DIDN’T ASK HER! What is wrong with people??
So yeah, I’m convinced he’s a killer/rapist and was stalking me.
That said, last night went ok. I wasn’t that freaked out, but I didn’t sleep that well. My Mother’s take on it “HAHA, you are chicken! HAHAHA!” Asian Moms = Most Supportive.
Unlike the 30 Rock quote I’m referencing, I actually didn’t picture a black burglar. In my mind, crazy attackers are always white and middle-aged. So I do believe in stereotypes 😉
Tracy: I’m telling you, Dot Com, old-school racism is back.
Toofer: How can racism be back when we elected a black president?
Tracy: Barry Obams is the one who brought it back!
Toofer: So you’re saying that racism is back because white people no longer feel sorry for us?
Tracy: Hey, something’s going on. You know what I saw last night? A Slomin’s Shield commercial with a black burglar!
Dot Com: That’s not good.
Grizz: Come to think of it, I saw a white judge on Law and Order last night!
Tracy: Oh yeah, it’s back on! Get ready, son. All you’ve ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah CoverGirl commercials.
Didn’t want to let the day pass without giving a shout-out to Miss Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette. Today marks the anniversary of her birth. Special thanks to Liz Lemon for that piece of trivia, courtesy of Season 4’s episode, “Anna Howard Shaw Day.” They’re nothing if not direct at 30 Rock.
Oh, and I also think there’s something else happening today as well – Saint Valentine, anyone?
I know who the lilies are from, but not the tulips. Hmm.
I think I did pretty well, considering I’m single 🙂
I was a little worried for LL Cool J. I mean, it’s stressful enough hosting an awards show – even if it is just the Grammys – but then with Whitney’s death, I can only imagine what they had to do in the last 24 hours to adjust the tone of the show.
I have to say it now. I can’t look at LL and not think of his alter-ego on 30 Rock; he plays the fictitious rapper/producer, “Ridikolus.” Tracy is forced to host The Source Awards as a favor to Ridikolus, after Kenneth makes the mistake of not letting him into Tracy’s party.
It’s a great episode. Anyways….
DRESS TIME!
The Grammys is more laid-back than other awards shows, and is know for having “unconventional” outfits. This makes it really hard to pick worst-dressed, because there are just so many cray-cray outfits out there!
Let’s start off with some “High Notes” :
Carrie Underwood’s dress was my favorite. And while the front was beautiful, it was the back that I found particularly gorgeous. Also loved the back of Taylor Swift’s dress – beautiful structure. Julianne Hough, who along with Ryan Seacrest were my Best Dresed Couple, had a sexy mesh/zip-zag number. Kate Beckinsdale was a close second for my favorite – short dresses are perfect for this venue and I loved everything about that one-shoulder piece. OMG, can we just clap for Kelly Osbourne!? She went from being worst-dressed a few weeks ago, to this gorgeous, flattering gown. And I know she has purple hair, but I actually like it! It reminds me of an 80s cartoon character – does anyone remember this girl from “Moon Dreamers?”
Ok, let’s move to the “Flat Notes”:
I didn’t love them, I didn’t hate them….well, mostly I didn’t hate them. Corrine Rae Bailey’s skirt intrigued me, but it just wasn’t executed properly. The thing about Taraji’s gown is that it looked good on TV, but I just hate the fabric when I see it in pictures. Alicia’s neck piece was cool, but I wish she had paired it with a better dress. Paris’ gown is actually really nice which 1) is NOT like Paris and 2) is too sophisticated for the Grammys. Adele stuck to her usually uniform, a black dress that covers her chest. I mean, she’s already said she’s not out there to put on a flashy show, that she’d rather people focus on her voice. And? Mission Accomplished.
Finally, my “Low Notes”:
Fergie’s dress was a hot orange mess. I mean, others have pulled off similar looks so I know it can be done, but this was a total fail. Just looks tacky. Robyn. Really? She looks like she tried to make this as unflattering and ugly as possible – which is exactly why it doesn’t work. Way to go with your construction platform boots – you’re dumb. Sooki is dressed like herself…which was enough to earn her this worst-dressed slot. Hate the bow, hate the fabric, hate the mixed prints…hate it all. Finally, this girl – I had to look up who she is (I guess that might have been her point?). SASHA is from Russia; perhaps this look is normal there? I mean, it’s just ridiculous, I can’t give it much more time than that.
Speaking of RIDICULOUS…
Nicki Minaj is a fool. I like her songs, whatever, I’m sure she’s an alright girl. But this “act” isn’t making any statement, other than the idea that kids these days be trippin’.
Funniest Seating Arrangement!
Poor Miranda Lambert. ‘Ole Lady G is giving her the death stare.
I was surprised to see Adam Levine singing something as wholesome as The Beach Boys –
especially after he arrived with that prostitute…
(SIDENOTE: My mom was standing over my shoulder while I was writing this. She saw the pic above and says, “Who’s that? Dress sexy. You know them?” “No Mom, I don’t know them.” “Yeah, not your friends, skinny people.” HA!)
I was disapointed in Katy’s outfits, both on and off-stage.
This looks like it was made from the same shitty plastic material as my Halloween costumes from the 80s.
On Aging Well –
These women are gangster. Gwyneth is younger than Jane, sure, but god she looks fantastic. She’s one of those people that looks better with age (SEE: Jennifer Aniston). Whatever microbiotic eating, yoga exercising regime she’s got going on, it’s a winner. And Jane Seymour! Damn. That is all.
On Aging…well, let’s just show her –
Oh Cyndi. I have no idea how old you really are. I’m not even sure how old I think you are, but it’s not good. It’s not good at all.
One final scene from the night. When J-Hud took the stage, we all knew it was coming, but I still got serious goose bumps. I thought she did a great job.
Despite everything positive/negative that’s been said, and will be said, about Whitney’s life, I just really appreciate what she added to my childhood. I was 5 when she became famous, and her music was part of the soundtrack of my life. Both happy and sad memories – I’ll always miss her for that.
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I have a message for you from a Mr. Ridikolus.
Frank: Ridikolus, the hip-hop producer. Isn’t that the guy that bit Suge Knight?
Tracy: Yeah, yeah. He bit Suge Knight. He held Raven-Symone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry. Dude is crazy. I don’t want him calling me.
Kenneth: Oh, he didn’t call, Mr. Jordan. He gave me the message after I wouldn’t let him into your party the other night.
Tracy: What?!
CUT TO CLUB SCENE, NIGHT BEFORE
Ridikolus: (on cell) I’ll call you when I get inside.
Kenneth: I’m sorry. This is a private party.
Ridikolus: Hold on. We’re with Tracy Jordan.
Kenneth: And Mr. Jordan himself said, “Don’t let no one in who’s not on the list ’cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.” So haters to the left.
Ridikolus: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s your game, man?
Kenneth: Boggle.
Ridikolus: Come on…but you know what? You tell Tracy Jordan that Ridikolus-
CUT TO PRESENT DAY
Kenneth: “Is gonna eat his family!”
Tracy: Excuse me, won’t you? (runs off)
[DISCLAIMER: This is a long, drawn-out post, as it stands right now. I’m having trouble being succinct, and so I feel like I just went on about twelve tangents below, trying to get to a point. Hopefully I’ll re-read this in a couple of days and figure out how to make the post read better. For now, I just apologize. I thought it was more important to just put something out there and try to fix it later. I’m sorry :)]
That’s what I use to describe the feeling I get when I stop talking my anti-anxiety medication. If you don’t decrease your dosage properly as you wean yourself off, you end up feeling strange. Specifically, I often lose my train of thought, feel sorta ill all the time, and have headaches – it’s like you’re walking around in a fog, as though you have cotton in your brain. Hence, fuzzy-head.
I started talking a low-dose of an anti-anxiety pill about 9 years ago, not long after I graduated college and moved to Boston. I started having acute anxiety, sometimes coupled with panic attacks, when I went out at night. It eventually got to the point where I could only go to work and home; everything else made me fill with panic. This wasn’t practical, so I finally got some help (it didn’t hurt that I worked at a hospital at the time). After describing my anxiety, I was prescribed Celexa, which is a combination anti-depressant/anti-anxiety. I started taking them.
And it made a world of difference.
You see, I suffered from anxiety throughout my childhood, although I really wasn’t aware that what I felt was true panic/anxiety (and not just some “phase” that all children go through). I just thought I had issues. It started with not being able to sleep by myself. Sure, plenty of children go through this stage, but most have it conquered by age 4/5. They learn coping mechanisms at first, and then they become comfortable on their own – one step towards independence! Unfortunately, that’s not what happened with me. I didn’t learn to cope with it. My parents thought it “wasn’t a big deal” and that I would “grow out of it.” My mother had to stay with me each night while I went to bed, and usually for a few hours after that. If I woke up and she wasn’t there, I went into a pure panic, physically. I would become sick to my stomach with fear, start rapidly breathing, dry mouth, eventually make myself dizzy…all the signs of a panic attack. I didn’t learn to cope with my anxiety then, and it followed me throughout my childhood and into adulthood.
I think this is why I get really frustrated when I see parents allowing their children to sleep in their beds, for far too long. It’s very important to teach your children to become comfortable with being separated from you, and with being alone. To conquer that fear. It really bothers me, because I don’t want any child to have to deal with the anxiety I had growing up. You miss out on a lot – sleepovers with friends, overnights with grandparents, extended school trips, etc. And while I grew out of needing my mother right there with me each night – although it took YEARS – I needed to be in my house to fall asleep most of the time. To this day, I am bitter about not being able to go on my 8th Grade Field Trip to Washington, DC. Very bitter.
The strange thing is that the separation anxiety I had would come and go throughout my years growing up. Some years I would be fine spending the night at a friend’s house, other years I wouldn’t be able to go to the movies without getting anxious. It was hard to deal with, because I just didn’t know what caused it, or what would trigger it. That alone led me to have anxiety that I might have anxiety (vicious cycle of over-thinking).
So, back to Boston. Right away, I felt relief with the Xanax that I was given in the interim period until my Celexa took effect. Xanax was the first miracle drug I found – it was such an amazing feeling to find something that would take away the anxiety, the fear – in what felt like an instant. Twenty minutes and I went from pure, in-a-sweat-and-feeling-dizzy-and-ill, panic to feeling calm. Twenty minutes. It was like discovering paradise.
Once the Celexa started working, all the (unwarranted) anxiety slipped right out of my life. I was no longer trapped by it. It was freedom. At first, I really couldn’t believe I had lived so long with the anxiety. I was actually really pissed that my parents didn’t do the little research it would have taken to get me help. Looking back, I can partly see how didn’t realize it was thatbad. I guess I kept a lot hidden, out of shame/embarrassment.
For several years, I took the little pill and lived a much fuller and happier life; and I never really thought much of it, the need for medicine. Then came the day that a lot of people experience, when they are dependent on a drug to cope with an issue. They start believing they are cured. They start thinking they don’t need the pills to get the same effect. That they’ve permanently changed something in themselves. Yes, I started thinking I didn’t have anxiety anymore – and I didn’t, because of the medicine in my system. However, I believed that I didn’t need the medicine to keep this feeling going.
I also believed that I shouldn’t need a drug to deal with (what I thought) a purely mental issue. That I should be able to cope with it on my own, no drugs needed. I felt weak in needing a chemical in my system to deal with a feeling I was having.
It was those thoughts that led me to stop taking Celexa the first time. And I wasn’t smart about it, I didn’t decrease slowly enough. I halved my doses a few times and then stopped altogether. I got serious fuzzy-head. To the point where I only lasted a couple of weeks before I had to go back on the medicine. I simply couldn’t think straight, couldn’t focus, and just felt really lousy.
The next time I stopped taking my pills was recently, about two months ago. This time I did a gradually decrease in dosage; there were much less withdrawal symptoms. It took a long time, but I’m mostly back to normal. Well, back to my normal – which just means that I no longer feel sick from not taking it. There are still some lingering affects, though.
Most noticeably, I feel raw with emotion all of the time. Meaning, little things can set me off and I feel like I’m going to tear up and start crying. Not necessarily bad things, either. I can see something happy or sad or funny, and still have the same reaction – tears. It’s sorta scary. For someone who used to NEVER CRY, it’s very strange to see a commercial or listen to a song and start feeling “verklement!”
But here’s the issue, friends. I’m unsure what to do. Should I go back on the pills to feel more emotionally stable and without anxiety (I am starting to feel some anxiety, recently), OR should I continue pill-free and try to find ways of naturally coping with my emotions, no matter how strong (and unjustifiable) they are?
It’s hard for me to make a decision because I’m just not sure what to think of the anxiety itself. Is it purely a brain chemical-imbalance, or is it simply a case of mind-over-matter? I’m leaning towards both – that it’s a mixture of the two – but there’s no way to half medicate myself. I do want to learn to cope with my emotions. However, I believe that I have a naturally tendency towards unjustified anxiety. And the anxiety is strong enough that it interferes with my life.
One of the downsides to taking medicine is that it might be making me numb to my real emotions. I wasn’t without emotion when I was taking them, but I certainly didn’t feel the “raw” emotion I feel right now (but who knows if that is even my “normal,” or simply a lingering after effect of the drug).
The point is, I’m confused. And I thought I would share it with you all 🙂
ADDENDUM: So, after trying to compose the above post, for a good two days, I finally finished. It was then that I decided to watch this TED Talk, that my friend Melissa blogged about last week. It has to do with vulnerability and how this one factor is the difference between those who truly feel connected with others and believe themselves to be worthy of love (yes, I know how cheesy that sounds). Melissa summarizes the talk well:
“Connection is why we’re here.” This is the crux of the matter, says Brown. Basically, human beings are wired to be connected toward one another. What keeps us from connecting? Shame and fear…things inside us that we feel if we expose, someone will not love us. (The “I’m not good enough” feeling.) BUT, in order for deep, meaningful connection to occur (if you’ve forgotten already, that’s our whole purpose on this planet- to connect), we must be vulnerable…we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Truly seen. Deeply seen.
In her research, Brown discovered that people who have what she refers to as a “sense of worthiness [towards being loved]” are separated from people who don’t by just ONE factor. The factor is: They *believe* they’re worthy. That’s it. That’s the only variable. The way these “whole-hearted” people live revolves around four main areas: the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to yourself first (and then to other people), the connection that results from that authenticity. And finally, vulnerability. Letting go of who you”should be” to be who you are. These people fully embrace the concept of vulnerability, even though they don’t talk about it as “comfortable”, just necessary. They realize there must be a willingness to take risks where there are no guarantees and invest in things that may or may not work out. Even if it hurts.
And here’s the part that got me. Brown talks about how we numb our pain through addictions like drugs, pain, and alcohol. How there is no way to numb just the bad feelings, that you also close yourself off to the possibility of joy and happiness.
And THAT is what reinforced the idea that I should keep pushing through without the meds….now I’m just doubly confused.
You should watch this talk – it’s long (20 minutes, which is long for an internet video), but it’s solid. Really good stuff.
Ok, so time for something light and funny (that doesn’t cause me any tears). In Season 1 we meet Tracy’s physician, Dr. Spaceman (pronounced “Spa-che-men”….or something like that). Tracy’s about to go on “Conan” and has stopped taking his meds, which makes him act certifiable. Dr. Spaceman to the rescue!
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he’s having a reaction to some of the medication you’ve put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid this might happen. You know, he’s on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there’s no telling how they’ll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine’s not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating him for?
Dr. Spaceman: There’s not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. Boy, I’m being awfully open with you, Miss. I should not have taken those blue things.
Liz: So, is he dangerous?
Dr. Spaceman: No, he should be fine; so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds. You know, I’ll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible…do you need anything for yourself?
Liz: What? No! Just where can I pick up Tracy’s prescription!
It was my mother’s birthday last week – on either the 1st or the 2nd, depending on how you choose to celebrate.
See, for the first 18 years of my life, I thought my Mom was born on the 2nd. You know, Groundhog’s Day. That’s when we’d give her her card and gifts, buy her a cake, etc.
Around the time I went to college, my Mom revealed the following.
MOM: You know it’s not my birthday today. (Today being the 2nd)
ME: What?
MOM: It’s not my birthday. I was born on the 1st.
ME: WHAT?
MOM: Yeah, I was born on the 1st.
ME: What are you talking about, Mom?? Your birthday is the 2nd! We’ve been celebrating it on the 2nd my entire life!
MOM: No, it’s on the 1st. Ask your father.
DAD: Yeah, it’s on the 1st.
ME: WHAT?? Why didn’t you ever tell us that? We’ve been celebrating it on the 2nd forever!
MOM: I just thought you forgot.
ME: EVERY YEAR?!
Oh, she’s for real. Her birthday is indeed on the 1st and she never bothered to correct us. Ever. And my Dad? Well, he probably just wasn’t aware of what day it was when we were celebrating. I’m guessing it wasn’t a big deal that we were celebrating on the wrong day, because birthdays aren’t a big deal at my house. Or celebrating anything, actually.
Judging purely by photos, I had my first birthday party when I turned 4. Four. Let that sink it. In today’s over-celebratory generation, especially with children’s birthdays, this would be criminal. I can tell you of multiple people I know who’s children’s 1st Birthday parties cost more than all my birthday parties combined. I don’t even have to ask my parents why I didn’t have a party before that age, I already know what the answer is:
1. Third child syndrome – After the first kid, things go downhill in the celebration department. Sure, my bro has pics from his 1st birthday, but by the time I rolled around, it was old news. This goes for any milestone event: walking, first words, etc. Just not as exciting as you hit it the third time around. ALSO, pictures were not a priority for my parents. My Dad took all of them – to this day, my Mom STILL can’t operate a camera (I know, she’s ASIAN, how can that be??). There are very few pics of me as a baby/toddler.
2. Babies Don’t Know It’s Their Birthday – This I kinda agree with. There’s no need to go overboard on a party for a baby who’s not really cognizant of what is going on and will never remember this moment past it happening. Yes, I realize I give my dog presents on his birthday (and treats), but I don’t go overboard. And while I’m sure my brother had a first birthday party, I can guarantee you there wasn’t a petting zoo involved. Or a circus in the backyard. I realize that type of hyped-up partying has only come about in the last 10 years or so, but I wanted to bring it up because of how ridiculous I find it. So anyways – no harm in giving the baby some cake and gifts, but anything much more than that and it’s being done for the parents (perhaps to show-off to other parents?).
3. Maybe I had a party and they forgot to take pictures? (see #1)
At any rate, birthdays are not a big deal with the ‘rents. My Dad doesn’t like holidays or parties or celebrations (or groups of people, or being social…this could go on and on) and my Mom is very laissez-faire about the whole thing as well. I can totally see her just going with the flow when we gave her stuff on the 2nd.
SIDENOTE: My oldest brother texted me on the 2nd, to ask which day her birthday was. Yes, it’s still a problem for us.
Dates have never been a strong suit for my Mom. She’s forgotten my birthday. Twice.
The first was when I turned 18. Eighteen, pretty big deal, right? I had been planning my birthdays since I was 12 – so I already had something to do that day. Nothing big, just going to Blue Springs with some friends. That morning as I was getting ready to leave, my Mom and I got into some little argument. I don’t remember what it was about. But I said something along the lines of “Do you have ANYTHING you want to tell me?” “No. What are you talking about?” I left for the Springs.
When I got home I talked to my Dad on the phone and told him “your WIFE forgot it was my birthday.” (Yeah, I pulled that on him. Much like when parents argue, “I don’t know, he’s YOUR son!”) I think that made him feel bad. They ended up buying some spongy cake for me, and we had some people over. No circus, no petting zoo, no balloons even 🙂
My Dad must have felt extra-guilty, because he bought me a present. 99% of the time, my parents give us money for any holiday/birthday. They never know what to buy us, so they don’t even try. However, that year my Dad bought me a gift. A new phone for my room. It had Caller ID on it. Pretty fancy for 1998.
The second birthday my Mother forgot was my 25th. In her defense, I was living in Boston at that time. How was she expected to remember her only daughter’s birthday when she wasn’t even living in the same state? 😉
So my Mom actually called me on the day of my birthday, letting me be fooled into thinking she remembered. However, she soon revealed her actual reason for calling: the cat had died. Mittens, our ever faithful calico, whom my Mother found hanging around the Garden section of K-Mart back in the mid-80s. She was our “Blue Light Special” cat. Our consolation prize pet, since we weren’t allowed to have a dog (we had one, but my parents gave him away on Thanksgiving. Another story for another night). Anyways, Mittens was around 19 years old at that time. She had led a good life.
My mother explains to me on the phone:
MOM: E-Mitt died today (remember, she adds “E” to everyone’s name). Yeah, I went outside this morning and looked and there she was lying in the grass. I went over to her and noticed she wasn’t moving! I touched her, hard as a rock! We buried her behind the shed.
ME: It’s my birthday, Mom.
MOM: Oh, yeah! I knew it was one of these days! Happy Birthday. How old are you?
Yeah, no big deal that we celebrated her birthday on the 2nd all those years 😉
30 Rock had a live episode last season. One of the storylines is that it’s Liz Lemon’s 40th Birthday (her birthday is October 14th we find out, the same as one of my best friends), but everyone had forgotten.
Liz: Are you sniffing paint?
Jack: Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we’re married, to tune them out. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. This is the worst day of my life.
Liz: YOUR LIFE? Of YOUR LIFE?
Jack: Oh god. How are we going to make this about you?
Liz: It’s my birthday, Jack! It’s my fortieth birthday and no one remember!
Jack: Damn ye, she-beasts!
Liz: What?
Jack: You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail. Lemon, I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I’m not myself right now. Please accept this, uh… thousand dollars as my gift to you.
Liz: I’m gonna accept this on principal, but it doesn’t change anything.
Fergie’s dress was a hot orange mess. I mean, others have pulled off similar looks so I know it can be done, but this was a total fail. Just looks tacky. Robyn. Really? She looks like she tried to make this as unflattering and ugly as possible – which is exactly why it doesn’t work. Way to go with your construction platform boots – you’re dumb. Sooki is dressed like herself…which was enough to earn her this worst-dressed slot. Hate the bow, hate the fabric, hate the mixed prints…hate it all. Finally, this girl – I had to look up who she is (I guess that might have been her point?). SASHA is from Russia; perhaps this look is normal there? I mean, it’s just ridiculous, I can’t give it much more time than that.
EVERYTHING SUNNY ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS 