It’s here!  The Academy Awards is here!

And you know what that means – RED CARPET MADNESS!

So let’s get this party started.

Sarah Hyland was in such a hurry to be one of the first on the Red Carpet, that she forgot to iron her dress…or attach that other sleeve.

I’m not sure why Kelly insists upon keeping this cotton candy hair – did she not receive enough attention as a child?  Does she not have the money to color it?  That, along with her PINK lipstick, makes her head look disjointed from this dress (which I actually enjoy).

The only people on the Red Carpet this early are the reporters commentators and actors who have no role in the Academy Awards.  I like all these gowns; I think Nancy’s hair is a little poofy and I wish Maria’s gown was a more vibrant/richer shade.  I love Milla’s whole look.

THE BRIDESMAIDS:

Ellie Kemper is bringing it in this copper gown.  I love her hair and accessories, but I’m unsure about the the dress.  It’s a bit loud and shiny.  Hopefully it’ll look less flashy inside.  I don’t know how old Wendi is, but she’s too old to be wearing this prom dress; I feel like I saw Taylor Swift in something similar to this recently.  Melissa…oh Melissa.  JUST NO.  I love the cut and the jeweled neck and waistline, but I absolutely hate the color.  What is that?  Washed out rose or peach or gold?  I can’t even tell.  That dress should have either been black or jewel-toned, like emerald or ruby or sapphire.   Rose B, love the hair, love the dress.  Maya is MEH.  Not overwhelmed by the dress (love the hair, though).

I don’t normally put guys on here, but…

Oh. My. God.  What the hell happened to Nick Nolte?  And his son/grandson(?) – I just don’t even know what to say.  Kurt Cobain?  Jesus?  Homeless Man he picked up on the way there?

Yeah, you’re not 60 and you’re not 16.  SWITCH DRESSES.

Hey, looks like they already awarded the Oscar to Clooney –

I don’t want to say it, but G’s looking a little old.  And Stacy’s looking a little like his daughter.  Not that it matters at all when it comes to Hollywood men.

THE HELPERS:

I wanna like Viola’s dress, if only to please Melissa 🙂  But I’m sorry, I can’t get behind this color.  I love the dress, hate the color.  I want something deeper, like a plum or sapphire (similar to Melissa M’s dress). (NOTE:  The color looks much better on camera, I kinda like it there).  LOVE Jessica’s dress, one of my favorites tonight.   I think Octavia’s is beautiful too, really flattering cut.  I also liked Emma’s dress – even though it’s almost identical to a Nicole Kidman Oscar dress from a few years back; it was also one of the few red dresses tonight that actually was the right hue against the actress’ skin.

Unlike Michelle’s red(?) dress –

I’m not even sure what this is – tangerine?  Is it supposed to be red? Certainly nothing Marilyn would have worn.  I love the retro look of the gown, delicate and soft, Michelle wears this look often.

And of course, close behind, her BFF Busy –

Busy has a talent for turning any outfit into a tacky wreck.  Here’s the thing, I like each element of this outfit – the grey lace, the hot pink heels, the abalone earrings – but they look horrid together.  I don’t know what this girl thinks when she’s getting ready.

THE SISTERS MARA:

Hey girl, your sleeve fell down.

Rooney, the pads go INSIDE the bra.  How embarrassing…

LIZ LEMMMOOOONNN!  As I told my (other judgmental) friend, Patrick, it looks like the post-baby fat is gone!  I can’t tell from this photo, but the gown is Navy Blue – Tina is partial to that color.

I’ll end with the caped Gwyneth.  I mean, why?  Why the cape?  It can’t possibly be that cold there.

The dress itself was nice.  It looked good, it did.  A solid gown.  Classic….

BORING.

Yeah, yeah Melissa, I said it.  It’s boring.  It’s just so safe.  I know it’s her style.  She wears clean, classic cuts – and there’s nothing wrong with that!  But it’s just not much to look at, for me anyway.  I’d rather have a potential nip-slip from J-Lo any day of the week.

What can I say?  I like the excitement 🙂

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The last award Tracy Jordan needs to win to complete his EGOT (Emmy-Grammy-Oscar-Tony) goal is the Oscar.  And he accomplishes it with his movie Hard to Watch: Based on the Novel “Stone Cold Bummer” by Manipulate.  If you can’t tell (and if you can’t, we shouldn’t be friends),  the title is a play on Precious.  At first, Tracy is reluctant to take the role because he doesn’t relate; apparently, he blocked out everything horrible from his childhood….until later in the episode, when he breaks down in the stairwell of a Kinkos:

Tracy: It’s all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage — a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
And later…

Tracy: All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!
And still later…
Tracy: I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!