Since I don’t have cable, I wasn’t able to watch the actual SAG Awards.  I am only able to cover the dresses from photos – which, as we know, can be quite different from how things look on film.  That being said, I’m going to judge away like I saw both!

I’m just going to be crazy (cray cray) and start with my favorite: Sofia V’s magenta gown.  What won me over with her dress was the color, honestly.  The cut is stylish and flattering, but it was the way the rich bold magenta looks on her skin that really did it for me.  I included the second shot because I wanted to show you a ponytail done well, as opposed to this next number.

Yeah, this is just the worst.  Sky blue and red? Bad color combination in my opinion.  And the velvety/satin look of the fabric, along with the Hawaiian print, is too reminiscent of the mid-90s.  To add insult to injury, she throws her hair back in a shoddy looking ponytail.  She needs to ride this out to the “Secret Life of the American Teenager” prom.

Look!  It’s a Glee Smash-Up!

Amber looks hot in this, except for the GIGANTIC bow, which is awful.  Love Dianna’s look, especially the color (and a lot of women were rocking the braids last night).  Jenna = Worst. Asian. Reprentation. Ever.  This rainbow mesh is a true mess and I won’t even get into the cut-out sides!.  Jayma – Beautiful dress.  Love the cut, love the material, love the color, love the back (look it up), love everything.

And Lea, dear sweet Lea.  I kinda feel like this is our fault.  Casting you in a role where you play the dorky, unpopular glee girl.  Putting you in the ugly catholic school girl socks and skirts.  We did this to you.  It only makes sense that you would start reacting to the overwhelming response to the show,  to you.  In order to shed that dorky persona (remember that awful Lady Gaga outfit she wore?), you had to rebel.  You had to go ALL THE WAY.  Now, the Golden Globes gown was far more outrageous, but this one is still over-sexified.  Yup, just created that term.  And not just the slit (although that is a major part of it).  It’s the entire way she’s carrying herself; the come hither looks.  It’s just too much.  Relax, girl – you can be sexy.  We believe you.  Now go put some socks on.

Here are a few more disappointments.   Busy, I don’t need to say anything about – but I will.  GOD AWFUL.  Michelle’s dress is a nice cut and shape.  The problem for me is the material.  As my friend Jen pointed out, and I totally agree with, red lace looks cheap.  Always.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wearing it, where it looked good.  Just a universally bad idea.  Rose, I hardly recognized this Bridesmaids actress.  She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly.  So yeah…the jumpsuit.  I  mean, first off – JUMPSUIT.  Super hard to pull off.  And I just didn’t feel it here.  Perhaps if it wasn’t completely covered in sequins/beads, it might have worked.  But the entire look is so Vegas – you just know Celine is going to bust this out at some point in her show (if she hasn’t already).

So they’re not wearing the same dress, but they sure look identical.  And why is it that I love the look on Katrina but not Julianne?  I’m not sure.  I mean, the white does look good with Katrina’s hair, but it’s not like it looks bad with Julianne’s.  I guess Julianne does have a slighter pink hue to her skin tone and it blends too much with her dress; Katrina’s slight tan looks perfect against her white dress.  A perfect example of how the same dress just looks better on one person – a “Who Wore It Best,” if you will.

More white (and black) dresses.  All of which I disliked.  Actually, forget Amber’s dress, it was her Bride of Frankenstein hair and make-up that was outrageous.  Jolie was reminiscent of her Billy Bob goth days in this dress, the fabric of which looks really cheap.  Judy Greer takes us 180 degrees in this dress, which serves as the exact opposite of Lea’s sexed-up gown.  Sorta a 70s, Partridge Family look.  Blossom’s dress had an awful fit up top – and the bottom of the dress doesn’t match the style of the top of the dress, to me.  Kristen Wiig dress was so-so; it’s the metal choker that just sealed the deal on ugly.

All of these are great.  I don’t have much to say about them, just wanted to include some pretty-ness….

….before I brought you the finale.

HOT MESS OF THE NIGHT

I don’t know, people.  Firstly, my friend didn’t even recognize little Brittney from Glee.  I think the outfit was just blinding them from looking at the person wearing it – good news for Heather Morris.  And as much as I made fun of Shaliene for wearing a mid-90s outfit, this is more like 1990 and ten times worse.

What do you think?  Donna Marten or Kelly Kapowski?  I mean, there are just so many horrible elements to it – mini skirt, sheer overlay, pleather(?) sides, bad off-the-shoulder.  It just didn’t stand a chance.

Well, I wish I’d seen the actual ceremony.  Why?  Oh, just one reason:

Tina and John presenting together!

You know, I might just have to start expanding my awards show repertoire.  There’s only a few major awards shows.  Even 30 Rock knows this: they featured the Kids’ Choice Awards in Season 3.  Jack and Jenna attend to promote her new Janice Joplin biopic….er, I mean, Jackie Jormp-Jomp (there was an issue with buying the rights).

Jack:  No, Jenna, I want you on the PR warpath. If there’s a red carpet, I want you on it talking up the movie, starting Monday.

Jenna: The Kid’s Choice Awards? Fine, I’ll set aside my feud with Raven-Symoné for one day, but she knows what she did.

**************************

Child Reporter: Whose Mom are you?

Jenna: Thank you!  Well tonight’s about having fun!  I’m wearing Taylor Dayne for Express.