While trolling around on People.com tonight, I came across the pictures from all the after parties!  In particular the Vanity Fair and Elton John soirees.  And there was some good stuff out there – let’s dig in!

Oh, Miley.  I’m glad you don’t look strung-out anymore.  But didn’t you have time to shop for your own gown, instead of raiding Dina’s closet?  For one thing, it makes you look like a midget – cuts off half your legs.  And while it seems like everyone is jumping on the vintage bandwagon, I’m afraid this 80s Dynasty look is not for you.

See this lady?  Her name’s Joan.  She’s what you’re after.

Nice try, though.  (please continue to keep your clothes on)

OH, HEY GIRL!

Look, you already found a friend to join your fugly party!   And I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s our very own Kelly O.  She’s wearing some kind of old woman gown, looks like there’s barnacle growing on it.

More FUG friends!

Shaliene insists upon wearing non-flattering dresses, in ugly-as-sin prints.  I do not get it.  At all.

Alright, girls.  Who’s gonna tell her?  Who’s gonna tell Elizabeth Banks that she’s got A DISEASE for a dress??  I know you see it.  You, Cheryl Hines – I can see it in your eyes.  YOU tell her.

What do you think Lily Collins is more shocked about?  The fact that she ran into Tom Cruise at the after party, or the fact that she’s basically nude in front of everyone?  I mean, sure, she’s got that blue algae covering up some stuff.   But still, kinda embarrassing.  (stop making me speak ill of my favorite singer’s offspring; I’m already trying to contend with The Eyebrows.)

The reds won’t quit!  And while I like the orange-undertones of Kate’s dress, the blue-undertones of Claire’s done go well with her skin.  But that’s certainly not the biggest problem with her gown; the skirt is awful, as is the red lace overlay.  My friend, Jen, has already educated us on red lace (it’s a DON’T).  You can barely tell, but Kate’s got a nude overlay at her neck.  Why?  I don’t know why!  It’s unnecessary and doesn’t look good.

Remember the 90s?  With all its mixed-print fabrics and lace-overlays and just too many things going on at once??  These ladies are just knocking it out of the park tonight.  I think that’s what’s going on.  In an effort to go vintage, they’ve gone ugly.  And I know where Elizabeth Olsen gets it from – those little twin fashionista sisters of hers.  They’ve got to be behind that satin/pleather/sheer/pom-pom mess of a dress.  And Gwen just needs to tone it down with the lace – it’s growing all over her, just like Kelly’s barnacles and Lily’s algae.

Girls.  If I had known you were going to make it this easy for me, I would have skipped the Red Carpet 🙂

KISSING BOOTH:

So, so disturbing.  Not sure which bothers me more – Bieb’s head digging into her bosom or the tongue action going on in #4.

Sometimes you need to stop at ONE after-party.

 

Tracy Jordan, to Liz:

“Let’s blow this joint! It’s about to turn back into a taxi dispatch set-up. You going to the after-after-after-after party?! Well, let’s rock!”