Mom had surgery this morning – she had some fibroids on her ovaries that were causing her pain.  Surgery went well.  It’s after 8pm and I’ve been up since 3:30am…on purpose. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am, so of course we needed to get ready for two hours 🙂

I have to say, this hospital is awesome. It was built 3 years ago – it’s gorgeous, like a hotel.  Has a piano in the lobby that plays on its own, very fancy. ( They even play Brahm’s lullaby every hour it seems – random times, not sure why.  It comes over the loud speaker, kinda creepy actually.  I feel like they’re sending us some subliminal message; just not sure what.)  They triple check everything, they introduced us to EVERYONE who was going to be in her operating room, they check on every 15 minutes. It’s quite nice. All the rooms are singles and they have both a recliner and a chair that pulls out to a single bed.

This is the life.

Oh, except for the part where I have to take care of deal with my mother. When she’s not feeling well, she doubles in criticisms and complaining. It’s actually quite amazing. She’s eating drinking dinner right now and has this to say:

1. I didn’t know how to make her side table go up right away. “You no know how to do! You need to learn to be nurse! For when you have children.”  CHECK.

2. The silverware was wrapped in plastic, with a dotted line along one side telling you to rip it open. I start to rip it, only to discover that the bottom is already open.  So down go the fork and knife on the the floor. “E-Stupid! You let fall on the floor! It’s dirty! Why you do that?!” I tried enacting the “three second rule” and picked it up, but she wasn’t going for it 😉

3.  She’s on clear liquids, so they gave her a spread of stuff – including tea.  “Why they give me tea?  They don’t read notes.  I can’t have tea!”  “Mom, we never told them you can’t have tea.  It doesn’t say that anywhere.  I didn’t even know you couldn’t have tea.”  “I can’t have tea!  Why did they give it to me?!”

4. The Ensure bottle spilled out of the straw.  “Stupid!  Why they fill so high?!  How can I drink?  ACK!  Too sweet!  Stupid.”  Stupid Ensure.

So that’s going well.   My dad is at home, in charge of Toby and the cats.  I chatted with him earlier, and mom reminded me to tell him to feed the cats, lock the doors, close the garage, take Toby out…you know, like he’s five.   20 minutes later I hear mom start talking – she’s dialed dad on her cell.  “Joe!  Lock the doors, double lock them for yourself, feed the cats, close the garage door, take Toby out-”  “Mom,  we just told him all of that!”  “I can tell him AGAIN!”

She then proceeded to tell him how they keep offering her drugs.  Earlier, the nurse told her to ask for pain meds “if she needs them”  My mother then tells her the story of how she was once drugged up in a hospital.  I wonder what she’s referring to, until I hear her mention “the baby fell out of my arms.”  Yeah, she’s talking about when my brother was born, almost 40 years ago.  I tell the nurse this and she nods and winks at me, and tells my mom that she can take “a little bit” if she wants.

“Joe, why they keep trying to give me drugs??  I tell them I no want!  I don’t want to be groggy, drugged up! — Kristina, talk to your father.”

UGH.

“Dad- no.  No, dad, they are not forcing drugs on her.  No.  Yes, I know she doesn’t have to take them.  Yes, dad.  DAD.  We just had this conversation with the nurse!  Yes.  Yes, this is exactly the same as her telling you to feed the cats after she WATCHED me tell you.  Yes.  NO.  BYE DAD.”

Oh, she’s asleep!

I won’t even go into the story of me making the bed.  I mean, SHEETS, people.  SHEETS.  She was criticizing how I laid the sheets down.  And don’t even mention the blankets.  I almost nose-dived to stop one from hitting the ground.  Remember, ground = dirty.

I imagine that dealing with a parent in the hospital is stressful for most adult children.  Well, most adult children that have “difficult” parents.  Like Jack Donaghy, with his mother Colleen.  Back in Season 3, he accidentally hit his mom with his car.  ACCIDENTALLY.

Jack: I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car.
Liz: What? Oh my God. Is she—
Jack: She’s fine. She’s better than fine. They’re giving her a titanium hip, like the terminator. It’s only gonna make her more powerful.